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Peter Gordon
THE SKINHEAD HAMLET
by Peter Gordon
I.i
The battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush! HAMLET: Yer? GHOST: I was fucked! Exit. HAMLET: O Fuck. Exit.
I.ii
The Throneroom. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over! HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
Exeunt. Manent HAMLET.
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock! HAMLET: Weeeeey!
Exeunt.
I.iii
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone. OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
Exeunt.
I.iv
The Battlements. Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it! HAMLET: Who did it then? GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear! HAMLET: Fuck me!
Exeunt.
II.i
A corridor in the castle. Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You! HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
ROS. & GUIL.: Oi! Oi! Mucca! HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS. & GUIL.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord! HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
III.i
The Throne Room. Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
MASTER PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart... CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
Exeunt.
III.ii
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag! GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid! POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right. HAMLET: Who the fuck was that? He stabs POLONIUS through the arras. POLONIUS: Fuck! Dies. HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
Exeunt.
IV.i
A Court Room. Enter CLAUDIUS, HAMLET, and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then! HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
Exeunt.
IV.ii
The Throne Room. Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this. She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits. CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she? GERTRUDE: Looks out the window. There is a willow grows aslant the brook. CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag. GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned! CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Exeunt.
IV.iii
A Corridor. Enter LAERTES and CLAUDIUS from different directions.
LAERTES: I'm going to fucking do this lot. CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet. LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
Exeunt.
V.i
Hamlet's Bedchamber. HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Exeunt.
V.ii
Large Hall. Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it. HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
LAERTES: Fuck! HAMLET: Fuck!
The QUEEN drinks.
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine! Dies. CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow! HAMLET: Pours the poison down CLAUDIUS's throat. Well, fuck you! CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked. Dies. LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh? HAMLET: Yer.
LAERTES dies.
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio! HORATIO: Yer? HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence. Dies. HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
Alarum. Enter FORTINBRAS.
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here? HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure. FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked. HORATIO: Yer. FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke. HORATIO: Too fucking right. FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarum.
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