THE SKINHEAD HAMLET

 

                                     by Peter Gordon

 

                                              I.i

 

The battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.

 

GHOST: Oi! Mush!

HAMLET: Yer?

GHOST: I was fucked! Exit.

HAMLET: O Fuck. Exit.

 

                                              I.ii

 

The Throneroom. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.

 

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!

HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?

 

Exeunt. Manent HAMLET.

 

HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.

 

(Enter HORATIO.)

 

HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!

HAMLET: Weeeeey!

 

Exeunt.

 

                                              I.iii

 

Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.

 

LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.

OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                              I.iv

 

The Battlements. Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.

 

GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

HAMLET: Who did it then?

GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

HAMLET: Fuck me!

 

Exeunt.

 

                                              II.i

 

A corridor in the castle. Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.

 

POLONIUS: Oi! You!

HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!

 

Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.

 

ROS. & GUIL.: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!

 

(Exit ROS. & GUIL.)

 

HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

 

(Enter OPHELIA.)

 

OPHELIA: My Lord!

HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!

 

They exit in different directions.

 

                                             III.i

 

The Throne Room. Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.

 

MASTER PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...

CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                             III.ii

 

Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.

 

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!

GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.

HAMLET: Who the fuck was that? He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.

POLONIUS: Fuck!

Dies. HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                             IV.i

 

A Court Room. Enter CLAUDIUS, HAMLET, and COURT.

 

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!

HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                             IV.ii

 

The Throne Room. Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.

 

OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this. She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.

CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?

GERTRUDE: Looks out the window. There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.

GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!

CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                            IV.iii

 

A Corridor. Enter LAERTES and CLAUDIUS from different directions.

 

LAERTES: I'm going to fucking do this lot.

CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.

LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                              V.i

 

Hamlet's Bedchamber. HAMLET and HORATIO seated.

 

HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.

 

Exeunt.

 

                                             V.ii

 

Large Hall. Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.

 

LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.

HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.

 

They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.

 

LAERTES: Fuck!

HAMLET: Fuck!

 

The QUEEN drinks.

 

GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine! Dies.

CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

HAMLET: Pours the poison down CLAUDIUS's throat. Well, fuck you!

CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked. Dies.

LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

HAMLET: Yer.

 

LAERTES dies.

 

HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!

HORATIO: Yer?

HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence. Dies.

HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.

 

Alarum. Enter FORTINBRAS.

 

FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?

HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.

FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.

HORATIO: Yer.

FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.

HORATIO: Too fucking right.

FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

 

Exeunt with alarum.